When you meet a guy for the first time, it’s easy to mix up what you think of as affection for a controlling and domineering man. You may know that deep down there’s something not quite right and ignore his behaviour hoping he’ll get better or change but chances are he won’t. Relationship experts explain that
When people get hurt they vow not to get hurt again so they try and control their whole world. Some do it out of pride if they have a proud personality. Also people who grew up in an atmosphere of control tend to do the very thing they hate when they grow older and some people just choose to be controllers because it makes them feel powerful, although this is more likely to do with insecurity.
If you feel as if you are being controlled, being able to identify the behaviour is your first step to freedom:
1. Always By Your Side
If you are in a relationship where it seems that you have no time to yourself, chances are you have a controlling boyfriend. He never wants you to go anywhere without him. There is no more “girls night out” for you or spending time with your friends, unless he is with you. Doesn’t sound like a good time.
2.Does What He Likes
When you do go out, it is to an event that HE chooses. You may not feel like going to a movie, but it is what he wants to do, for example. Also, his turning down an offer to do what you would like is a key sign that he is not flexible. It often leaves the impression that he does not care about your interests. He may, or may not, but he is not supportive either way.
3. Do Things For Him
“Honey, go pick up some soda for me.” sounds like a genuine request for assistance. If your boyfriend is constantly asking you to run errands, without including you as the benefactor, this is another sign of the need to feel in control. Instead of “…pick up some soda for me.”, the request should be, “We’re out of soda. Can you go pick some up, please?”. Can you see the difference? WE are in need of soda, simply.
4. No Manners
In the previous example, the “please” was left out intentionally. Your boyfriend will not be polite. He will not say “thank you”, “you’re welcome”, “please” or even “excuse me” to you. It is because he is expecting you to comply with his requests. He also feels as if you should be thanking him for allowing you to do things for him.
When you can finally break through the chains, and find some free time for yourself, be prepared: your controlling boyfriend will interrogate you when you return. Putting himself in a “father figure” position will install more of a sense of control. Treating you like a child that went to the mall, prior to doing her homework, is the kind of humiliation in you he is trying to achieve.
6.No Questions, No Answers
Unlike the aforementioned subject, your boyfriend will come and go as he pleases, without answering to anyone – especially to you. If you try to question his whereabouts or activities, he will become defensive. The subject will immediately transfer from your asking, “where were you?” to his comeback remark about how you nag him too much, or something similar to that effect. He will ignore answering the question, and make you feel guilty for asking it. This is in hope that you will not do it again.
7. He’s Always Right
In an argument with a controlling personality, it is very difficult for him to accept defeat. The controlling boyfriend will get more defensive, change the subject, or bring up a past occurrence, when he was, indeed, correct, in order to prove his point with the issue at hand. He may not always be right, completely, but he is never wrong.
8. Can’t Buy Me Love
Fools gold has been around for centuries. However, a fool AND his gold have special meaning to the controlling boyfriend. He will buy you nice jewellery, take you to expensive restaurants and maybe even offer to pay a debt of yours. He will say it is because he loves you. Not true. He needs to feel superior to you. You now owe him, in his mind. Who is the fool? To him, you are.
9. You’re Worthless
Belittling your self-confidence can have very serious consequences. Making you feel as if you are worthless without him, the controlling boyfriend will prey on times that you may be stressed the most. If you have just lost a job, or if you are experiencing normal hormonal reactions, this is the time he will strike. He wants you to feel as if life is not worth living without him. It’s hard to believe, but his confidence level is actually lower than yours.
10. No Means No
This is the most upsetting trait that a controlling boyfriend can display. If he forces you to do things, against your will, he is not in love with you. Whether it is going to a baseball game, when you hate outdoor stadiums, or, even more harsh an act, makes you perform sexually against your will, he is NOT in love with you. Not showing you the courtesy to respect your wishes is not a behavior that goes away. This will continue as an abusive relationship, where you will be treated as an object, instead of a person.
Remember if you have a man that does most of these things above, the problem is with them! Don’t let their issues become yours or allow yourself to think it’s something you’re doing.
Please note I realize this post appears very biased. I wrote about this topic with women in mind and by no means trying to depict this issue as only affecting women. The opposite of this for men is very different and can only be explained as a separate issue but all thoughts of course welcomed on the matter.
Source: Nichole Sweeting
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